today i have the huge privilege of not needing to work to support myself, but rather to make some extra money and fund my personal projects.

even though, because of that, i don't have as much money as i used to when i worked every day, my mental health today is MUCH better.

thinking about that, while sitting on the patio of a restaurant near my house, watching people eat and talk, seeing the sunlight hit the leaves, feeling the breeze at the perfect temperature, late in the afternoon, listening to my music ("mine first," which is beautiful by the way heheh), i found myself reflecting on the exhausting routine so many people go through.

not having a job that makes you miserable can save your life and i wonder how different things would be if more people had the chance to be free from their own repetitive obligations and the desperation of trying to make ends meet.

time for therapy, time for personal projects, time to go to the bank and solve in twenty minutes something that would take hours over the phone, time to wake up later in the morning because the movie ended late the night before...

i question the guilt i feel for having this kind of routine and whether other people have ever experienced this pleasant feeling of stillness.

i'll admit it took me a while to learn how to appreciate this lifestyle. for seven years i've lived with a lot of uncertainty since moving to the united states.

i went through moments of intense financial insecurity and distress, and when my life changed in this way i felt, and sometimes still feel, that this luck could disappear overnight... that i need to stay alert at all times, a mindset that made me sick until very recently.

besides the restlessness that comes with the possibility of another drastic change, there's also the guilt... even shame that this is my current life. it's a mix of feelings that consumes my confidence, and every day i learn more about the importance of being generous with myself in that regard.

and even though i am extremely grateful

to the person who made this possible,

i am fully aware of the possibility of experiencing

another major turn in life,

but until then i will keep dissecting

this discomfort of being privileged.